The Biggest Aspidistra In The World

Tom: A
E7 020100
Fdim7 (12010x)
Bm/F# 225432
G 320003
E7/G# 420100
A (2x)

[Intro]
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[Verse 1]
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For years we had an aspidistra in a flower pot
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On the whatnot, near the 'atstand in the 'all
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It didn't seem to grow 'til one day our brother Joe
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Had a notion that he'd make it strong and tall
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So he's crossed it with an acorn from an oak tree
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And he's planted it against the garden wall

[Bridge]
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It shot up like a rocket, 'til it's nearly touched the sky
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It's the biggest aspidistra in the world
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We couldn't see the top of it, it got so bloomin' high
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It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world
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When father's had a skin full at his pub, 'The Bunch of Grapes'
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He doesn't go all fighting mad and getting into scrapes
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No, you'll find him in his bear-skin playing Tarzan of the apes
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Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world

[Verse 2]
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We have to get it watered by the local fire brigade
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So they put the water rates up half a crown
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The roots stuff up the drains, grow along the country lanes
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And they came up half a mile outside the town
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Once we hired the Crystal Palace for an 'ot house
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But a jealous rival went and burnt it down

[Bridge 2]
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The tom cats and the moggies love to spend their evenings out
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Up the biggest aspidistra in the world
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They all begin meowing when the buds begin to sprout
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Up the biggest aspi - distra in the world
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The dogs line up for miles and miles a funny sight to see
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They sniff around for hours on end and wag their tails with glee
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So I've had to put a notice up to say it's not a tree
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It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world

[Bridge 3]
A Adim A A Adim A
It's getting worn and weary and its leaves are turning grey
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Its the oldest aspidistra in the world
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So we water it with half a pint of Guiness every day
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Its the stoutest aspid - istra in the world
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The borough council told us that we've got to chop it down
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It interferes with aeroplanes that fly above the town
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So we sold it to a wood yard for a lousy half a crown
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It's the biggest aspi - distra in the world

[Outro]
N.C.
The biggest, biggest, biggest aspidistra in the world