Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass

Tom : C
G Dm
When I was six years old my sister Alyson
F C
asked for a stove for her birthday
G Dm
A miniature one you could actually cook with
F C
and my mom was nice and she bought one
G Dm
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
F C
barged in my room and she grabbed me, she said
G Dm
I made a cake and we're going next door
F C
to Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married

[Chorus]
G
The cake was burned
Dm
it tasted gross
F
she made me kiss him
C
on the mouth

[Verse]
G
Now I am 33
Dm
unmarried happily
F C G
no plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
Dm
I do kissing with only one mission
F C
Do you like to kiss then you have my permission
G Dm
And I have already spent too much time
F C
doing things I didn't want to
G Dm
So if I just want to make out all the time
F C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
G Dm
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
F C
the kids in my class didn't like me
G Dm
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
F C
and my mom made me go to her party
G Dm
Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
F C
drawing with crayons on a napkin
G Dm
a picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
F C
her legs getting eaten by lions

[Chorus]
G
The cake was good
Dm
I took some home
F
I had a party
C
in my room

[Verse]
G Dm
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
F C
but I go to bars all the time and I sit there
G Dm F
and order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
C
yes that's how I like it
G Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F C
doing things I didn't want to
G Dm
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
F C
you can bet your black ass that I'm going to
G Dm
Yes I come here often
F C
Sure I'll have another one
G Dm
Yes I come here often
F C
Sure I'll have another one
but I don't have to talk to you
G Dm
When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
F C
picking up tips from the masters
G Dm
I was so busy perfecting my art
F C
I was clueless to what they were after
G Dm
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
F C
I don't make love now to make people love me
G Dm
but I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
F C
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic
and
G Dm
When I was 25 I was a rock star
F C G
but it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
Dm F
of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
C
baby they'd never know
G
what a bargain they'd gotten
Dm
and if I'm forgotten
F C
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
G Dm
and I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
F C
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me
G Dm
And I've already spent too much time
F C
doing things I didn't want to
G
So if I want to drink alone
Dm
dressed like a pirate
F
or look like a dyke
C
or wear high heels and lipstick
G
or hide in a convent
Dm
or try to be mayor
F
or marry a writer
C
smoke crack and slash tires
G
make jokes you don't like
Dm
or paint ducks and retire
F C
YOU CAN BET YOUR BAC K ASS THAT I'M GOING TO